phoenix rising (or falling? flailing?)

01Nov07


phoenix rising, originally uploaded by A.p.K..

can i be honest for a moment?

of course i can. this is my blog. tonight i write with the assumption that no one wants to read yet another emo-angst-oh-the-humanity post. so this is me writing for me…eavesdrop if you like.

i am walking that line again. i used to think it was seasonal, but this has been an autumn of balmy weather. for most of my teenage years i blamed the complicit lying cheer of the holiday season, but even that cynicism is fading with age.

it can’t be hormonal, i’m at the wrong end of every phase (even the moon) for the inner tidal patterns to be entirely at blame.

so what is it? at the surface, life is beautiful. employed in field of my choice? check. roof over my head, lover in my bed? check and check. good food to eat, good books to read, flourishing green garden, other misc. comforts of life aplenty? check, check, check.

and yet i am deeply depressed. i am angry. i am jack’s bitter heart and weepy eyes.

the world is so lovely and cruel all at once that the simplest daily tasks bring me to tears. my mind spends more time wandering off into what-ifs and so-whats and why-nots than it spends in the present moment. because here and now is too much, when only a few days ago, everything was so hunky-dory it felt unending. what’s that about all good things?

ah, yes, A. the pessimist is back.

i fantasize about taking a baseball bat to my apartment. smashing everything to bits, scooping it in armfuls to be dumped off the balcony and scattered in the wind. i daydream about taking a walk down the beach and just not stopping until the waves lift me from the sand and carry me away. maybe i am part reptile, and every so often shedding my skin is all that appeals. or am i a molting bird? messy. irritable. sounds about right.

don’t be fooled by all of this vicious sharp-edged frustration – i will crumble at the slightest touch. if i take too deep a breath i can feel the cracks spreading, as i pull apart, push apart, turn to dust.

i feel raw and nothing makes sense like it did a mental moment ago. it was all laughter and optimism and zeal…and now just the thought of that recent upswing causes me to slip further downslope…i see the scree of all my small troubles tumbling down ahead of me, knocked loose by my coming undone…

and it will all be ok and don’t worry and i am loved and i am safe (and warm and beautiful and full of promise and just hang in there and and and)

i want it to be true…i really do…


Filed under: :: notes on being human ::   |  Closed
Tags: , , ,